Ten.

The tragic end to a story, that was just beginning....

Thursday. I awoke feeling wonderful! The day began like many Thursdays, fed Emma at 7:00, took a shower, and than get Livy out of bed and began the morning routine. At 9:30 we were off to Music Class where Livy and I shared a wonderful 30 minutes together. After class Livy and I went to the park to enjoy a brisk afternoon on the swings....she smiled, and I smiled back...When we returned home it was time for Jim and I to go to our doctors appointment and receive our ultrasound which marked the end of my first trimester...Ultrasound #3, and I was so excited...I was out of the danger zone. I was feeling pretty good, and actullay began to breathe a little easier knowing things were O.k...no more worries... As we entered the hospital, I reminded Jim that just eight months ago he was wheeling me around in my wheelchair through these same hallways to get me out of my birthing room. Since I had a C-Section, Emma and I had to stay five days in the hospital. I was going alittle stir crazy in that room, and missing Livy like crazy...

Luckily, the same ultrasound tech I had with Emma, and throughout this pregnancy called my name again..I was so happy...she has been with me for over a year and has been seeing my children grow inside of my belly just as much as I...She was becoming family. As she placed the warm gel over my belly, Jim held my hand and with a squish of the wand, I saw my baby...My first expression was WOW! Look how big she/he had gotten! She/he finally looks like a baby..
Suddenly..as the wand was more directly on my baby..my heart froze. before I could say anything, my Ultra Sound Tech asked "who is your doctor"...
I knew..but instead, I thought...keep looking it is there...keep looking...PLEASE keep looking...
"I am sorry". That is what I heard her say........
I cried out "NO!"...look again, please...it is there...
she then placed the wand over my baby's chest, no blood flow...the tiny heart had stopped beating...my baby lied motionless. "I am sorry Jennifer..your baby is gone..."

As prepearations were being made with my doctor, I could not speak. I could not look at Jim...I felt like I could not breathe. Just last Wednesday I was at my weekly doctors visit. Not only did I hear the heartbeat, we saw the heartbeat. Thoughts swarmed my head, when? where?
I lost it. Baby number ten...my tenth child I now have to grieve....this...this is too much.

As I left the office, I kept my head down, even smiled a few times peeking up at all of the beautiful glowing moms to be in the waiting area. I did not want any of them to see my pain, my tears, my loss. These women were anticipating seeing a beautiful life inside of them, I wanted no doubt to intefere with their happiness...
I made it to the parking lot...I made it home...I made it up the stairs in my home...I made it past my children..and made it to my bedroom...it is here, I completely broke down. I stayed here alone until Friday morning, never once making it though the hour without complete and total heartache and tears. All I could see every time I closed my eyes was my lifeless baby on the screen...the tiny heart that stopped beating...the head, arms and legs...everything, but no heartbeat...that is all I could see in my head...All I kept asking myself was between last week and today, when did I lose my baby? Did I feel a twinge, a pain that could have been a sign?

Friday. My baby was removed and I stayed in the hospital overnight. There was nothing my nurse or doctor could say, nothing made this better. They gave me very strong medications to try and ease the pain, they gave me medicine to try and help me sleep. Nothing worked. What medications can really cure a broken heart,or ease a mothers mind when she just lost her child? Not even a sleeping pill can do that. My doctors and nurses became worried, as this was my 10th loss. Worried, I may have finanly reached the point where it was just too much, the Chaplain was sent in to see me. He stayed with me for a half hour and prayed for me and my family...

Saturday...
I will write more later.........