Welcome 2009...

The new year brings us hope for peace,
A new day for mankind,
Where we can all live hand in hand
And leave all hate behind....

May 2009 bring prosperity, happiness, good health and multiple blessings to you and your loved ones...From my home to yours, Happy New Year!!

Me and My Girls

I wish you love
A life to share
And when you find
Someone to care
I hope that time
Is kind to you
And that all your dreams come true
This is a mother's
Christmas wish for you

I wish you peace
Of heart and mind
To use your strength
But still be kind
To learn to give
To learn to lose
To live with truth in all you do
This is a mother's
Christmas wish for you

And when you wake on Christmas day
With children of your own
I know then you'll see
What you've been to me
You are the greatest gift of all

A child was born
On Christmas day
A shining star
To lead the way
And Mary's love
Was pure and true
And that's the way that I love you
I pray that love would
guide you through
This is a mother's
Christmas wish for you

Merry Christmas to all!!

To all!!

Being a good girl for Santa!

Bitter Sweet!

I have to be mushy for a minute!

Today was GET ORGANIZED DAY...After looking over all of Santa's gifts,very large gifts ie; Rose Petal Cottage, A rideable indoor/outdoor train with extra tracks, the large doll house, ect....I looked around and realized the girls playground was TOOO small for anymore toys...(I donated many items a few weeks ago)...So...the basement is now a giant family room/playroom...It looks awesome! With this many emotions surfaced....I cried..No, I am not crazy...

The thing is, I packed up baby toys..all of my baby toys and items...I packed them in boxes and sent them to my cousin who is expecting in the next few weeks...toys and boppies, bottle warmers, play mats, all of my baby clothes, and even the boppy chair, Emsley's favorite place to sleep up until she was 5 months old. My babies..I have no more babies...What I learned through the last several years is that "fertility is not a given, it is a gift..."If anyone knows the pain and joys of fertility it is I...I waited so long for a child..I tried so hard, and I went through so many disappointments...I recently had my heart broken with the loss of our last child, and still, I did not expect that parting with all of these "memories" would sadden me on so many levels..I guess my heart and soul has not healed completely..did I really expect the pain of my losses to just "disappear"??

Then came a new milestone...Emsley is crawling, not army crawling, she is really crawling! She is eating solid foods and even held her bottle for the first time today...she is no longer an infant, she is a baby..a baby who is almost ONE!

Let's see..how did Olyvia play a part in all of this? She removed her clothing for the first time and attempted to dress herself..we converse as though we are girlfriends, and she prefers more "alone' time...

My girls are becoming independent and this saddens me...

Finally, as I looked over my new basement, pre-school like play ground...I realized..my girls are old enough to play in the basement..(I did put a camera down there to see them from the middle floor of the house)...but they are growing..they are becoming "little people"...and I..I am having a hard time with that..

I cannot help but think, am I done being a mother to an infant??

Let it Snow, Let is Snow, Let it Snow...

Winter Wonderland!

Santa was not a big hit this year...and OH! What a Jolly Santa and Nai Nai Claus they were! Perhaps next year a hug and kiss will land on their cheeks! Thousands of lights, and glorious Chirstmas Trees filled the room, while the scent of roasted almonds filled the air. The rides, the Christmas Carols, the characters...and the friendliest of folks...Oh...what a wonderful time was spent by all at Navy Pier's Winter Wonderland this year!!

Embracing December...

With every bit of peace, love and blessing that December brings...

The first Christmas for Emsley..

with amazement

I watch the glare of Christmas lights

twinkle in her eyes...

For Olyvia...she "get's" Christmas this year,

and through her..I relive Christmas as a child..

With all of the highs and lows of 2008...

I thank God for all that I was blessed with.

Together, as a family...Jim, Olyvia, Emsley, Bailey and myself...

embrace December, as a family....

Ten Months Old....

Emsley's Milestones...

Not only beautiful with big almond shaped green eyes...our little Emsley

has the sweetest personality that captures everyone around her...

Emsley Mila...

you,

Army Crawl..

You can climb up on furniture all by yourself..

You can wave "Hi" and "Bye Bye"...

You wave your arms and hands high up in the air too "So Big"....

You clap "Yeah"...and you make a sound, which I think is your way of saying "YEAHHH"..

You scrinch up your nose and blow..making a silly face...This is the funniest face I have ever seen!!
You play independently very well...but you absolutely love being around your big sister....

Just yesterday you and I were spending alone time together...We sang "no more monkey's jumping on the bed" as we held Curious George and bounced him around...I pointed to his eyes and said "Eyes Emma".. Do you know that after only being told this once, when asked where the monkeys eyes were you pointed to them!! You are so smart!

You have a bit of a temper, and you just break my heart when you get sad...

You do love to eat....Good job Em!

Happy Ten month Birthday Emsley!!

Thanksgiving Blessings

Happy Thanksgiving

There is so much that I am thankful for this year...

Have you seen my children?

Let's start with Olyvia...

Her personality? She is vivacious..full of life, she never stops moving...she is so sweet, loving and caring..she is sensitive when she is reprimanded, or accidentally hurts her sister. Her smile will make you smile, and as you can see...she loves having her picture taken, no vanity here! She is very nurturing...she takes very good care of her dollies and little sister...
Activities? She loves to do Arts and Crafts, her favorite activity? Singing and dancing!

She can recite the full alphabet and pick out all of her letters..She knows all of her shapes, and she will correct you if you try and fool her! She is also Mommies best helper...She even helps with the laundry!

Let's move on to my Emma..
She is yummy.
Emma's Persoanlity? This little gal, has a very strong personality...her smile, lights up a room, her eyes..they are mysterious and sweet. She knows what she wants, and if she does not get that, unfortunately, she will let you know..possibly with biting...(we are working on that)..she scares easily..like only a princess would...her wishes are not to sleep, as she never wants to miss a thing...she loves her sister..she watches her and laughs...I even here are mimicking Olyvia now..this is the best! When Emma cries her bottom lip quivers..obviously she does not cry for long, as this would melt even her enemies heart...

Emma has one of the sweetest persoanlities I have seen in a baby...

Emma loves to keep moving..she loves her "Roobie" and "Elmo"...She is my little Emma...

I am also thankful for my health, my family..my wonderful friends and the comfort of knowing in

this economy our professions are safe...

I pray this Thanksgiving for our soldiers, for the parents who grieve their loved ones and for all of the families effected by this economy..

I pray for Olyvia's sisters in China who await their new homes....

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

Our Real Life Fairy!

Olvyia has recently become facinated with Tinker Bell...

November.....

The crisp days of November, the everlasting memories made... How can these beautiful girls not bring a smile to your face?? With every beat of my heart, these girls keep me breathing....

Emma Crawls!

Yes...That is right...Emma crawls! I am so incredibly happy that I was able to watch this HUGE development in her life! Here is how it went..I put her down on all fours, she began to rock so I kneeled in front of her and placed a cookie in my hands...she came! YEAH Emsley!!
She also broke another tooth, that makes three! Emma loves her sister...she loves to eat...she loves to hold my finger while we sleep..and she LOVES to play with pretend food..(a chicken leg at that!)
Emma and I are becoming so close...we hold each other, hug ever so tightly, she lies her head on my shoulder, and when she smiles at me, which she does often...my heart melts...She is beautiful...she is so sweet...she has a very bad temper and she is incredibly impatient..she is the perfect mix of her father and I...I love you Emsley Mila Ryle!

Happy Halloween

Two little bugs who stung the hearts of Chicago!

Focused........

It is all about focus and regaining clarity...
Although I have yet been able to make it through the day without crying...I do it.

I have to...there is no coping...what is coping anyway? To cope with something, to me sounds a little ridiculous. I am using the term "Focusing".

I am focusing on the sadness of my loss...I am focused on what it is..it is a loss. It is sad. It is unfortunate. It is horrible, and I am angry...

I am focused on trying to realize I will never know why...

How and why I ever got pregnant in the first place, why I lost the baby after the supposed "Safe point"...Why I had to see the baby on the ultrasound screen,

and why I had to endure this pain on so many occasions.

I am focused on taking baby steps towards just being "O.K.' with it all. I am not expecting to ever recover completely, just be O.K....just accept my destiny.

I am focused on my children, and living for them...I am focused on continuing to make them smile everyday...and watching in amazement how the human life grows...

I am focused on my happiness, and that of my family...

I am focused on reminding myself everyday of how lucky I am...

Thank you all for your sweet emails, letters, cards and flowers...

This update is for all of you since I have not been returning phone calls..

I am focusing...we will be O.K....

By the way,

Today I bought the Marc Jacobs "I love you" necklace in memory of

my forever 10, so they will always be close to my heart...

This is the last post on the subject..

My focus is now 100% on my two tiny miracle girls...

The love of my life, and the reason for "focusing" on here and now....

P.S...they have not left my side...

Painted White Horses Going up and Down....

Olyvia had a very special 2nd Birthday Party...She along with family and friends enjoyed their very own indoor carousel and Jump and Jiggles Adventure!
I hear the venue I rented out was amazing, fit for a Princess, which is what I had hoped for!
There was even enough to do for my Emsley....