Five weeks...

Happy 2nd Birthday Emsley

Could you be anymore amazing?

I thought you were perfect at birth, and then you turned one...

At ONE I thought, WOW..she IS amazing..

Today you turned TWO...and I realized..you are an Angel...

I sat at the hospital with Owen today, and thought my goodness two years ago today I sat in this same hospital giving birth to you...It does not seem like it has been two years..I can remember every vivid detail of the day you were born..

I remember how hard I pushed to deliver you, and how hard you fought not to cooperate! I recall how scared I was when your father told me we had to deliver you via C-Section because the best thing for you was to get you out into the world immediately..Oh your cry..that loud cry the moment you were welcomed into the world..I will never forget..The first time I laid eyes on you..this moment is embedded in my mind forever...The first time I held you...The first time I looked into your eyes..I thought 'Is it possible to love someone so much that you just met"...
I remember your first birthday..you had an upper respiratory infection. You were so sick but somehow you were so strong and enjoyed your birthday party..

I also remember every moment in between...Every milestone that you hit..how beautiful you looked in your pink helmet, your first steps, your first words, the first time I fed you rice cereal, and how much you have changed through the years..I remember it all...

You are my sweet daughter..you love taking care of everyone..your sister, mother, father, Owen, everyone..You love to nurture..I can see that one day you are going to be such an amazing mother..You say "Thank you" without being told, every time exactly when you should..you never have to be told....Your smile is one that captures the hearts of all that surround you...you are a ham..you love to make a room laugh, but you give up the spotlight in an instant so your sister can steal the show..You love watching her shine..you are too kind....

Within the last few weeks you have begun talking so much more..you know your colors "green and blue"..your favorite thing to do is play with your dolls..and you LOVE Yo Gabba Gabba!!

You are beautiful inside and out..don't ever change my sweet Emma..

I love you so much...Happy Birthday my love...

Beautiful Birthday Girl

A night to remember...

It is so easy to get caught up in an every day life rountine...Sleep, wake up, make breakfast, go to work, take the kids to their classes, make dinner, spend one on one time with each child, baths, and bedtime stories..this is pretty much my routine...(well, add in changing diapers, feeding Owen, cleaning, laundry ect..)

I never realized the little things I have been missing as my "routine" is what is keeping my household running...Routines are good, but last night I realized every now and again, I have to put off one or two of my daily tasks to enjoy the moments that count...

Here is what happened...

Bedtime was a disaster last night. Since my hospital stay and Owens homecoming, our bedtime routine is off, and we are trying to get things back on schedule. Last night both girls were up until 11:00..I finally got Olyvia in her bed, and laid with Emma in my bed..For those of you who know Emma, she carries her blankie with her everywhere...She can never be without her blankie, well last night she asked if I wanted to share it with her..Of course I said "I'd love to" and she placed it on my chest, put a piece of the edge in my hand, and laid on my chest and fell asleep...This moment brought me to tears...It brought me back to my hospital stay after giving birth to her..Every night I would lie her bare chest to my bare chest and together we would fall asleep..This helps with bonding...Last night we had our bodning again..and I rememebr these special moments with her that I had almost two years to the date..Next week Emma turns TWO!

It is just the little things such as this, that brings you back to reality..Routines are great..Schedules are great..but every once in awhile we need to reinvest a few moments of our time with the things that are most important to us.

Thank you Emma for making me realize this..

Four weeks old...

Every day I fall in love with you, over and over....

Best Friends...

The girls..

Olyvia and Emsley have been growing closer every day..Owen has been home for 10 days and I would be lying if I were to say it has been easy..for anyone. In many ways Olyvia and Emsley have regressed. Our pediatrician and all of the books I have read say this is completely normal. I have to agree however, I still struggle with managing it all. Slowly I am getting into a routine, but Owen is still in need of "special care", and why shouldn't he? The poor guy spent so many days alone without his family..
I am trying to find ways to organize the "important stuff" and the "non-important stuff". This is hard for me, as I have always been good at multi-tasking..After trying so hard to keep things as they were a month ago, and falling down my hardwood stairs I realized something..Things are not as they were a month ago, and my time has become less and less..Prioritize...this is what I am focusing on, and my children they are my priority.

The guilt in trying to spend quality time with all three kids increases every day. It does not help that Olyvia takes my hand and asks me to spend time with her. This breaks my heart..Emsley latches on to my leg and will no longer leave my side..As a matter of fact she will not walk anymore, she lifts those chubby little arms and says "carry me"...all the time...

Since I was released from the hospital Jim and I are trying to have one on one dates with each girl individually, and nighttime alone time with Owen. Each girl is enrolled in their separate music class and on Tuesdays they are both enrolled in gymnastics..This helps, as three days a week we are focusing on them, along with the "beauty shop" trips in which they are both given manicures...They just love this!!

The one thing that has changed for the better since Owen's arrival is that Olyvia and Emsley have become closer..Many nights they even sleep together in Olyvia's bed...

I love this..I hope they stay best friends forever!

Home

Introducing Owen Michael Ryle

In his child's ear God whispered, "Your time has come early, do not be scared as I will lie next to you through your road to recovery...I have something amazing planned for you..your life will be one of greatness..have faith in me, and your destiny..."

God gently kissed his forehead, and sent me my little angel...

Due Date: Feb. 17th, 2010
Born: December 21st, 2009..
Time: 10:04 p.m.
Weight: 4 lbs., 17 1/4 inches

Your fate is your destiny.

How do I write this post?

I write this post with sadness, happiness, fear and contentment. I write this with the strength I have gained through motherhood.

As I sat with my father in the nursery on Day three after giving birth to Owen, he said something amazing to me..
"In 5th grade your teacher asked you how many children you wanted, you stated 11. On your wedding day I ended my speech by reminding you that you could get started on the 11 kids tonight"..
He smiled so gently and asked, "Jennifer, what child is Owen.."
Masked by disbelief, sadness and happiness..I softly replied.."11".
GOD DOESS HAVE A PLAN..Your fate is your destiny..

I did have my 11 children...

With joy I sit here while three of my children lie so innocently asleep, while our eight little angels lovingly watch over them...

The morning that brought us to Owen...

It was December 19th..I had been placed on bed rest for some time, but on this day I woke with an uneasy feeling...I felt nauseous, anxious, and my contractions were steadily increasing..At first I thought they were braxton hicks but as the day turned into night, my contractions became much closer, and eventually an unknown pain brought me to tears.

"Something is wrong. Something is wrong with the baby"..Please, take me to the emergency room I begged my husband..

I was only 31 weeks pregnant. I had found out two weeks prior that I had begun dilating and that my blood pressure was staying at a concerning high number. Tests indicated that pre-ecclampsia was also setting in, so bed rest it was as my doctors began to prepare me for an early delivery. This was at 29 weeks and they kept telling me we needed to try and keep the baby in as long as we could, preferably to at least 33 weeks..
On the ride to the hospital, this is all that went through my mind...I am only 31 weeks..I cannot have this baby until at least 33 weeks!
Jim had called my doctor ahead of time and he and two nurses were waiting for us as we arrived.
I was scared. I was in pain. I did not understand what was happening, and a part of me was thinking this was all in my head..I wanted to believe so badly this was all in my head..
I was dilated more then the week prior, and my contractions were showing up every 9-10 minutes on the monitor.. I had a test done that gives an estimate on whether or not you will go into labor within a two week period and my results were positive..With this, my blood pressure, and everything else I was admitted and told I would begin medications to stop labor and most likely remain in the hospital for several weeks..
I was scared..I was worried about the girls at home, how my husband would be able to handle this all..I was worried about the baby, the outcome..I was a nervous wreck and I could not help but believe I would ultimately lose this child..sleep medication was given to me that night to relax me. Somehow I fell asleep...

I was woken by my doctor at 6:00 am the next morning..After a quick exam, she called the nurses and told me I was going back down to labor and delivery. I was in active labor and I was now dilated to 3 centimeters. They had to stop labor and get me and the baby in a safe zone..

I called Jim and he quickly came to the hospital. Within minutes I was put on machines, given oral medications and shots, doctors for the Neonatal unit, high risk department, and pediatrics were at my bedside explaining what was happening, and ultimately what would happen when and if I delivered the baby within the next few days.

At approximately 5:00 pm, Jim went home to check on the kids and go to work..The doctors were in belief that they had postponed labor enough where I would not deliver that evening.

This just goes to show you what is meant to happen, WILL, beyond the drastic measures of medicine...

AT 9:00 p.m. two doctors and three nurses came in and informed me the baby was showing signs of distress on the monitor, an exam was conducted and they informed me I was going to have to have this baby immediately and within seconds I was being prepped for a C-section. Jim was called, but it was too late, they were rolling me into the operating room..

I was scared. I did not know what to ask..Needles were going into me everywhere, veins were blowing on both arms, doctors were coming in as if I were delivering triplets, and I sat there alone..speechless.

Would Owen cry when he was delivered, would I be able to see him, would he be O.K..Will Jim make it in time..So many questions were swarming my head..My child's fate was in the hands of these doctors and I just had to trust it would all be O.K..
I was never so scared in my life..

At 10:04 p.m..I heard a cry, a cry that almost sounded like one of a baby kitten..but it was a cry..my son..he was here, and he cried..

19 days in the NICU

Owen spent 19 days in the NICU..For one week I could not hold him..The emotions I felt during this time I want to save for my precious baby boy..
One day when I am strong enough to revisit those 19 days, I will write him a letter..I will tell him of the strength he displayed beginning the very moment he was born..I will apologize to him, as I will never forgive myself for not being able to control what had happened.

What I will share with my followers is that the first time I was able to see my son, my heart broke..the first time I was able to hold him in my arms I never felt so close to God...Every minute I was able to see him in the NICU I did with pride and courage..I do not think I ever cried so many tears as I did over the last three weeks..

On Christmas Day as I left the hospital without my son, I never felt so sad, so alone..so helpless..I left behind a part of my heart and soul on Christmas Day..What saved me? My girls running into my arms hugging and kissing me...

I knew eventually everything would be O.K..

Owen...
She gazes down
through the plastic box,
unable to comprehend his
tiny body.
The monitor wires,
IV lines and
feeding tubes tangled over
the gently rising chest
expanding and contracting
in mechanical rhythm,
his mouth taped open--a gaping, silent cry
that freezes cold
her heart.

She is lost.
Sinking into the madness
of her grief, her guilt,
an apology
forever on her lips.

She lifts, so slowly, the door
to his high-tech womb,
her own aching,
for its emptiness.
His hands flutter and feet twitch,
she cannot interpret his
fetal dance,
a foreign language spoken
too soon.

She longs to touch him,
to erase this space between them-
her hand trembling,
settling down on this other-worldly
angel child,
her palm enveloping his entire
torso.

She feels
fragile skin like soft tissue paper,
his back arches up, he squirms
at her touch,
and
at the sound of her whispered voice
his eyelids slowly draw up,
dark eyes drawing her into
this mystery.

She is lost now in love,
and is forever found.
Too much Ecstasy,
too much desire to sweep him
up into her arms
and she chokes on
the grief and the love,
surrendering to the joy that he lives, he lives,
her sunflower, her son